WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
