If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
