I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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