I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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