please come you make the beer taste better
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize