Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
