I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
