When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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