see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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