Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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