Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
