What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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