hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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