I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
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