my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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