The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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