Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
