i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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