Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
