In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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