you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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