i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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