I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
