Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
