She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize