you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
