You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It's Friday. Sex?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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