oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
We named our party play list daddy issues
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
