Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
