remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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