Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
