I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
