Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
