My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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