I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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