im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think my vagina is haunted
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
