So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He has the fingertips of a God
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
