Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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