I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
