My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
