ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
