Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
