He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize