Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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