I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
