my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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