I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize