So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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