So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i think my cat just said my name.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
