I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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