Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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