You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
