New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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