My friends, they love my intelligence
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We need a shit load of segways right now
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
