Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
