all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
