I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
