On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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