First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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