I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
