worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
