Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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