Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
