happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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