there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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