So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
