shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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