I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize