She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize